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Q&A: Any thoughts on this torture scene?

Question by AngryChair: Any thoughts on this torture scene?
This is an extension to a previous question, on my 'cops and robbers' story. Basically, last night I realised that all good heist stories have a torture scene, so I sat down and wrote this. I have no idea if it's realistic, as I've never had any of this happen to me, but I did a little bit of research into it and I think this might be what it would feel like. So basically I'd just like to know if it's a keeper or not. Thanks!

As Frank came to, the first thing he noticed was the cold. Every part of his body ached with unbearable cold. It didn't help that he was half naked. He was sitting in pitch black darkness, and total silence, apart from his ragged breathing and chattering teeth, stripped to the waist. He tried to wrap his arms around himself to warm up, but they were bound behind his back. The ropes binding him were cutting into his wrists, perhaps a good thing as it took his mind off the cold. His clothing was soaked and he began to shiver uncontrollably. Then came the pain. His leg was searing; it felt as though it had been run over by a train. Waves of indescribable pain rolled over him, made worse with any slight movement. The darkness suddenly lit up in a dazzingly white. Frank looked around and realised he was inside a meathouse freezer, surrounded by bloody pig carcasses. He was tied tightly to a hard wicker chair in the centre of the room, bloodied and bruised. He groaned as he tried to adjust his position; the white tip of his femur was sticking out of his thigh. Must have been one hell of a fight. He snapped his head around quickly when he heard several loud taps that seemed to come from outside the room. On the right wall, a large rolling door slid open to reveal a figure clad in black, grasping a toolbox in one hand and a metal pipe in the other. Frank blinked his eyes, trying to adjust to the brightness, hoping to recognise something, anything about this bastard standing there staring at him. All Frank could see were two gleaming eyes peering out of the slits of a balaclava. The 'bastard', as Frank had decided to call him, stepped inside the freezer and closed the door. Frank could hear his heartbeat echo around the room, his leg was screaming in pain. The bastard stood in front of Frank, and placed the toolbox on the floor. Taking the metal pipe in both hands, he walked behind Frank and out of view. Frank's breathing quickened, struggling against his bonds. He hurled profanities at the bastard, as if calling his mother enough names would deter the guy. Suddenly he felt the cold metal pipe press into his throat, his head was pulled back next to the bastard's.
"Where's the money?"
"I'm not saying a fucking thing! Who the fuck are you?" Frank cried. His entire body was wracked with pain, it came in horrible pulses up his leg to his brain and flooded back down again, getting more intense with every moment that passed. The bastard pulled back on the pipe and Frank began to choke.
"Do you think you are in any position to ask questions? Where. Is. The money?"
Frank tried to scream but his larynx was all but crushed beneath the metal. In between gritted teeth he groaned, "Fuck you!"
The bastard let go of the pipe and walked around to face Frank.
"You're a stupid bastard, Basso." He crashed the pipe down onto Frank's shattered leg. "Where's the money?"
Tears of pain streamed down Frank's face as his vision blurred, deafened and blinded by the pain that shot through his limbs.
"Who the fuck are you, you fucking bastard?" he screamed at the faceless figure. He could hear the guy laughing from behind the ski mask as he tried in vain to loosen the rope around his wrists.
"We have a mutual friend." The bastard knelt down and opened his toolbox, reaching in and extracting a pair of rusted jumper cables and a car battery. "I just want you to know that I enjoy what I do immensely. Even if you do tell me what I need to know, I may not stop. Face it, Frank. You're fucking dead. You might as well just tell me, and save yourself a whole lot of screaming."
Frank's heart was in his throat, he couldn't see or think straight. Why should this bastard get his hands on my money?
"Don't feel like talking yet? Fair enough." Frank felt the teeth of the jumper cables bite into his chest. The bastard laughed again as Frank screwed up his eyes and grit his teeth. "Fuck y-" he began, but was interrupted by 500 volts punching their way into his heart. Every muscle in his body tightened as he screamed through his teeth. His body felt as if it had been lit on fire, and he could feel the electricity course through his chest and radiate out to every extremity.
The buzz of the electricity stopped and Frank went limp. His surroundings swirled into one, black, fuzzy screen in front of his eyes. He was swiftly brought back to

Best answer:

Answer by Keenan's Summer Queen
ehh, i don't know i mean its good enough i guess, and pretty realistic, but i think what you should do is just give it a break for a while, don't look at it, read it, or think about it for a week or so, then read it again, you'll be able to work out the sentence structure bugs that way, the scene is good the word flow however is not at its top notch

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

1 comment - What do you think?  Posted by Staff - October 14, 2010 at 4:55 am

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